Shadow of the Parody
by ohgodwhydidimakethis
Summary: Parody of Shadow of the Hegemon. I changed some of the events, but it's pretty similar to the book.
1. Jamba Juice

**Disclaimer: I am not Orson Scott Card.**

**Author's note: Whenever a character swears, they will use the word "umbrella". This is to keep the story K+ and it also sounds funny.**

Petra: It's a great day today! The sun's shining, I'm not failing all my classes, and I'm eating Twinki- OMGEEZ!!!!!!! WTH?!?!?!

Big Dudes: (kidnap Petra)

1 Hour Later

Petra: (wakes up) I need to pee.

Big Dude #1: (says bad word that means poop)

Petra: No, silly. I need to _pee_. That's what happens when you drink twenty ounces of Jamba Juice in one hour.

Big Dude #2: Shut up.

Petra: (whining) But whyy? I'm a cheerful, talkative extrovert who likes to make friends. So I don't like shutting up.

Woman: No, you like making people angry.

Petra: I do not! (pauses) Okay, maybe it's kind of fun.

BD2: When we get to Gyn- Gun- Gyon- the airport, you have to act normal.

Petra: Only if you let me use my phone to see what Justin Bieber is doing.

Woman: No.

Petra: Then I'm not going.

BD2: Do what we say or we'll kill you.

Petra: Okey dokey.

Woman: (stops van) Get out.

Petra: Hmm, I could go with the idiot, or the possibly smart dude. (goes with BD2)

BD2: (holds Petra by one arm and opens door)

Petra: BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! (kicks BD2 you-know-where)

BD2: (in a high-pitched voice) Mommy!

Petra: (runs until she's caught)

One day later…

Petra: (wakes up in a mysterious room) I HATE YOU GUYS!!!!! WHY'D YOU PUT ME IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT?! WAAAAAHHHH!

Two weeks later…

Petra: I'm going to go on a hunger strike.

Meany #1: No, you're not!

Petra: Get that sharp thing away fr-

One day later…

Petra: God, you guys have problems.

Two weeks later…

Petra: I'm bored. (fakes nervous breakdown)

**So… did ya like it? Is it stupid? Tell me!!!**


	2. I Got That Boom Boom Pow

**Chapter 2: Somewhere in Greece**

Bean: OMG, Ender's jeesh has been kidnapped! I must be next!

All: Le gasp!

Bean: I know what we'll do. We'll get out, so They can't find us.

Nikolai, Mr. and Mrs. Delphiki: Righto, guvnor!

LATER…

Nikolai: Today's a really awesome d-

Le house: (is blown up)

Nikolai: Never mind.

Bean: Our house spontaneously exploding…the jeesh being kidnapped…!!!

Nikolai: Don't be paranoid. Achilles is locked up in a loony bin in Belgium.

Bean: You're right. I'm just being a paranoid nerd.

Nikolai: You're always a nerd.

Bean: Better a nerd than a dumbumbrella.

Mr. Delphiki: JULIAN ALEXANDER DORIS DELPHIKI, YOUR BROTHER IS NOT DUMB!

Bean: Sorry.

Readers: "Doris"?

Bean: My grandma's name. No, soldier, I don't want or need your protection. Please go away. Oh, that's the way you want to play? Fine. I-


	3. RAWR!

**Hi readers! You are all awesome, especially you, Helen. Or should I say awsom? JK! Don't kill me at school!**

Chapter 3: Russia

Petra: The whole solitary confinement thing is getting really boring. (fakes nervous breakdown)

LATER…

Petra: (wakes up) WHA-WHO-Oh. Hi, Dink.

Dink: Hi, Petra. All of Ender's jeesh except Bean and Ender have been kidnapped by Russia.

Petra:Whaaat? That stinks!

Dink: No duh. They've been having us do war games. Just plans, not like last time.

Petra: Not again! At least I have my iTouch…I think. (digs through pockets) Lint ball, five bucks, school ID- ugh, that picture makes my butt look big- Wetzel's Pretzels coupon, and… an iTouch! Yay! (taps screen) Oh, no they dinnit.

Dink: Don't ever say that again.

Petra: They've disabled my email, texing, and all the social networking sites, even Rawr!

Dink: What's Rawr?

Petra: It's like Friendster, only less popular.

Dink: Only used in Asia?

Petra: Yes. Exactly. All my friends have an addiction. And we're not getting out.

Dink: F-

Petra: We need to keep this for kids. Try using umbrella.

Dink: Nah, doesn't work for me. Besides, I'm a bad-

Petra: (coughs loudly)

Dink: I'm a rebel. Can I say s-

Petra: No.

Dink: What about c-

Petra: Nein.

Dink: How about d-

Petra: O-nay.

Dink: Well I can say b-

Petra: No you can't.

Dink: Oh, for the love of all that is holy, shut up before I go INSANE!

Petra: My mission is accomplished.

Dink: You're annoying your best friend… Did you become emo or something?

Petra: Yep. Except I like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers and I stink at writing poetry.

Dink: Do you like pain?

Petra: Sometimes. I also enjoy using sarcasm, own a lot of dark clothing, and listen to screamo.

Dink: That's great…I really need to go… (leaves)

**By Petra's definition of emo, I'm borderline emo. I'm not depressed, but I have all the other warning signs. **


	4. Kristinia DeBarge Behaves Badly

Chapter 4: Greece

Bean: Hey, soldier-type person, can I go outside?

Soldier-Type Person: No.

Bean: It's been ages since I've been outside. My tan's almost gone.

Nikolai: Tan? What tan do you speak of? I don't see a tan.

Bean: Did I mention my family's driving me nuts?

STP: Do I look like I care?

Nikolai: Bean, why are you twitching?

Bean: Claustrophobia.

Nikolai: Maybe music will help. Here's my iPod.

Bean: Why is Coldplay on here?

Nikolai: Coldplay's awesome!

Bean: Coldplay's for idiots.

Nikolai: What, do you prefer classical?

Bean: Maaaay-be.

Nikolai: (cough) Nerd. (cough)

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Bean: Hi-

Sister Carlotta & Graff: (shush Bean)

All: (squish into bathroom)

Nikolai: I feel like a sardine.

Bean: You definitely smell like one.

Nikolai: At least I don't smell like a girl.

Bean: Shut it. Graff's trying to talk.

Graff: We're all going into space.

Sister Carlotta: E's-hay ying-lay.

Bean: Why are you speaking in Pig Latin?

Graff: The house is bugged. Duh. Anyway, we are going to a colony several decades away from us.

All: Mm-kay.

Later, on a non-yellow submarine

Graff: We'll have to split up. It'll be safer for you. Carlotta and Bean will be going to-

Mrs. Delphiki: -

Bean: We have to do this, Mom! I don't wanna die before I reach four and a half feet!

Kristinia DeBarge: Nananana, nananana, hey hey hey, goodbye!

Nikolai: Why is Kristinia DeBarge here?

Bean: We're in a parody. What do you expect? Normalcy?

Kristinia: This is so weird. Maybe I shouldn't have drunk that third beer.

Bean: You're not drunk. You just randomly appeared because we are all Alice Wiggin's puppets.

Orson Scott Card: Actually, you're all my puppets. DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!!!

All: Nah, we're going. Bye!


	5. Don't make me hurt you, Pinky

**Hi awesome people! Okay, time for review acknowledgements.**

**Helen: Thank you sooooo much for the reviews! I already thanked you at school, but I'm in a thanking mood. So, you're an awsom Asian ninja :).**

**Ender the imperor of darkness/ Mike: I've already thanked you about a billion times, but I'm just going to thank you again. By the way, can you send me chapter 5 soon? Thanks!**

Russia

Crazy Tom: I have an epic idea!

Petra: We poke Meany #1 until he cries?

Tom: That's exactly what I was thinking!

Petra: OMG, I'm psychic!

Alai: I have a better idea. We could try to send a message to Peter Wiggin.

Petra: I LOVE YOU, ALAI WHATEVER YOUR LAST NAME IS!!! (hugs Alai) In a completely platonic way, of course.

Shen: I think you're cutting off his breathing.

Petra: Sorry.

Dink: This is really depressing.

Petra: I can hug you if you want.

Dink: No…it's fine…(le sigh)

Carn Carby: Well, let's get to work.

All: (get to work)

Petra: I'm going to send my message to a different person.

Dumper: Okay. Just don't send it to Bean, because he's probably dead.

Petra: (encodes message in picture and sends it to Bean) I'm so smartical.

Dumper: Of course you are. Wait, did you send it to Bean?

Petra: Maaaaybe.

BRAZIL

Carlotta: Ugh, not another good luck dragon.

Bean: Send it to me. It looks funny. Hmm… this line's all screwy, so it must be a code. Where's the coffee?

Carlotta: You're too little to drink that much coffee.

Bean: Whatever. I'll be fine.

The next day…

Bean: Ow, coffee hangover.

Carlotta: I told you so.

Bean: Anyway, while I was awake due to legalized stimulants, I figured out that Petra sent me the message. Ender's jeesh is in Russia at 64 degrees north latitude. They're messing with…flan?

Carlotta: Plan.

Bean: Thanks. They're trying to find Peter Wiggin. Petra thinks whoever kidnapped her is a big fat idiot. Hey, why is the room spinning?

Carlotta: Your coffee hangover.

Bean: Can I get rid of a coffee hangover?

Carlotta: More coffee temporarily he-

Bean: Hola, el Starbuckso!

Russia, at 4 am

Meany #1: Get up.

Petra: Go away. I'm dreaming about emo stuff.

Meany #1: Ice water bucket.

Petra: Getting up now.

Later

Petra: If you're going to kill us, can you do it now?

(Achilles walks in with 2 soldiers)

Petra: (whispers) Hey, he's kinda cute.

Tom: (whispers) He's probably our kidnapper.

Petra: I was having a great delusion until you ruined it. (begins humming the emo song)

Achilles: The reason you don't know me is I came to Battle School late and I was only there for a little while before you went to Tactical. But I know you. Petra, can you stop humming that?

Petra: NEVER!!! (hums louder)

Dumper: Hey, you're that crazy guy Achilles!

Achilles: It's pronounced ah-sheel, dumbumbrella. Petra, I have a gun, so please shut the umbrella up.

Petra: Okey dokey.

Achilles: Wow, you're quite the team. Sabotaging the plans blah blah blah. (This is all Petra hears because she is playing an intense game of Solitaire on her iTouch.)

Petra: (yawns when game is over)

Achilles: Petra, it's so nice to meet you. The girl who tested so aggressive for Battle School, they had to check her DNA to make sure she wasn't really a boy.

Petra: (turns white)

Tom: Somebody restrain Petra before she commits murder.

Shen and Alai: (hold Petra back to keep her from breaking Achilles' face)

Dink: (chanting quietly) Fight. Fight. Fight.

Achilles: Shut up, Dink. You're all being separated now. Blah blah blah blah blah. (Petra can only hear "Kill Achilles".)

Petra: (snarls murderously)

Achilles: Bye. (leaves)

Dumper: Petra, why are you muttering "Kill Achilles" repeatedly?

Petra: I'm saying that out loud? Oopsies.

Hot Soup: Petra, was he lying?

Petra: No.

Shen: Holy umbrella.

Petra: Don't make me hurt you, Pinky.

Shen: WTU?

Petra: Cartoon reference.


	6. Canada

**I revised this chapter; the end annoyed me. Enjoy this new and improved version!**

Still Russia, three months after last chapter

Petra: Wow, being in solitary confinement is really boring. I'm going to make up a soliloquy. To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. Oh, wait…that's not mine.

(knock on door)

Petra: Go away. (begins singing "Telephone" by Lady Gaga) Can call all ya want but there's no one home and you're not gonna reach my telephone.

Vlad: (opens door anyway) This isn't a musical.

Petra: Whatev. It felt right.

Vlad: Petra, I was sent here for a reason.

Petra: If it's to convince me to go to the spawn of the devil's side, save it.

Vlad: Listen, Petra. If you help Russia, it'll be good for Armenia.

Petra: No it won't. Now shut up and go away.

Vlad: You weren't born to be nobody. Achilles can get you fame.

Petra: Do I look like I need more fame?

Vlad: …

Petra: Exactly. Besides, Achilles will use us and kill us when he's done with us. I don't wanna die before I get my driver's license!

Vlad: You're being an idiot.

Petra: (is silent and glaring at Vlad)

Vlad: No! I didn't mean it! Wait!

Petra: (says nothing)

Vlad: I'm sorry!

Petra: (is STILL silent while the lyrics "It's too laaaate to apologiiiiize" play in her head)

Vlad: (runs off, sobbing)

The next day…

Soldier 1: Get up.

Petra: Okay, you don't need the ice bucket. So, where are we going?

Soldier 1: (says nothing)

Petra: Please don't kill me. I'm too young to die.

Soldier 1: (is silent)

Petra: Your silence is _so _not helping my nerves. So, are we going to a torture session? No? What about an interrogation? No? Darn. (pause) I need to pee.

Soldier 1: Get in the bakery van before I kill you.

Petra: You don't have to be so violent. But if I'm going into a bakery van, am I bread? If I have to be food, I want to be a gummy bear. (sings gummy bear song)

Shrink: We understand your need to feel in control of the situation through humor and singing annoying songs.

Petra: A shrink? Haven't I been through enough? WHY ME?

Shrink: Calm down. You're going home, Petra.

Petra: Yes, because this type of plan always works SO well when I'm involved.

Shrink: Pessimism will get you nowhere. This was planned by experts.

Petra: If you were involved, your shipment of FAIL will arrive soon. Hey, can I borrow your phone?

Shrink: Will you stop insulting me?

Petra: Yes.

Shrink: (gives her the phone)

Petra: Thanks. (dials number)

Helen: Hi, this is Helen Yang.

Petra: Hi! It's Petra! I'm in Russia and I was able to borrow a phone.

Helen: OMG! What happened?

Petra: Well, someone (cough) me (cough) sent a coded message to Julian Delphiki.

Helen: Julian Delphiki. He sounds hot.

Petra: He's short and several years younger than us.

Helen: Never mind.

Petra: Anyway, a while later, we learned our captor was a psycho named Achilles.

Helen: One name only? Like Madonna or P!nk or Ke$ha?

Petra: Yeah, I think he thinks he doesn't need a last name.

Helen: But everyone needs a last name! If you didn't have a last name, you'd get mixed up with all the other Petras. Everyone would think I'm some other Helen.

Petra: Because there are so many Helens in Armenia.

Helen: Tell me more about Achilles!

Petra: So Achilles was all, "You guys are dumb for geniuses", and I was all, "Go away, you're annoying me", and he was all "I'm going to tell everyone your darkest secret" and he told it! To everyone!

Helen: Was it about the time you threw up on that really hot guy?

Petra: No.

Helen: Or the time that you shoved a chili dog down the Kazakhstani ambassador's pants? (**A/N: Yay, pointing at a random country on a world atlas!)**

Petra: Why does everyone insist on bringing that up? He cut in front of me!

Helen: It nearly caused a war.

Petra: Yeah, _nearly._ But no, he didn't bring that up.

Helen: So what did he talk about?

Petra: Nothing I will tell under torture.

Helen: What else did he do?

Petra: He also winked at me.

Helen: Either he wants you, or his eye twitched. I think it's the first one, though.

Petra: Umbrella.

Helen: Your only options are to move to Canada or hide in a corner until you're rescued. Since you don't live near Canada, I'd go with hiding.

Petra: Good idea. This is why we're friends. You give the best advice ever. Though are you sure about the Canada thing? I like hockey.

Helen: Remember that crazy girl Breeanna De Lao? She lives there now.

Petra: The one who stalked Jakob? Or the one that tried to steal my rainbow wristband?

Helen: She did both of those things.

Petra: Ohhhh.

(gunshots sound)

Petra: Speaking of crazy people…

Helen: What's go- (phone dies)


	7. Your mama

**Chapter 7: Still Russia! (PS I need to thank my sister for helping me come up with ideas for this story.)**

(Achilles is standing in the doorway between the back of the van and the cab, holding a gun.)

Petra: Are you re-kidnapping me?

Achilles: Give the lady a prize.

Petra: Eww, there's blood on my clothes.

Achilles: And your face. And your hair.

Petra: (muttering) First I'll break your arms, then your legs, then I'll give you a mild concussion…

Achilles: (laughs) Don't worry, I'm a nice guy. You'll like me, eventually.

Petra: In your world, are you sane, too?

Achilles: In your world, have you made out with anyone?

Petra: Here's my pinkie, here's my thumb. Here's my fist. Say that again and you'd better run.

Achilles: I'm so scared. Remember, I have a gun and the power to make your life miserable.

Petra: (quickly changing the subject) So, why'd you choose me?

Achilles: You're the best.

Petra: That is such a load of (Japanese swearword). The strategy things I did weren't better than anyone else's.

Achilles: Those were just to keep you busy while the real tests were going on.

Petra: What was the real test?

Achilles: Your dragon drawing.

Petra: You can't prove anything! I burned all the evidence and there's no witnesses!

Achilles: So you admit you sent a message.

Petra: No.

Achilles: (points gun at Petra)

Petra: I'm going to count every time you do that. Every second time, I will be forced to kick your butt.

Achilles: It's cute how you think you could ever kick my butt.

Petra: Wanna bet?

Achilles: No, I really don't want to injure you.

Petra: Enjoy that feeling while it lasts.

Later, on a plane

Petra: So, will there be little bags of nuts?

Achilles: No.

Petra: What about an in-flight movie?

Achilles: No.

Petra: Potty break?

Achilles: Yes.

Petra: Thank Buddha.

Achilles: I thought you were Catholic. (AN: Is Petra Catholic? I probably should have done better research.)

Petra: I am. I just like saying "Buddha".

Achilles: It sounds dumb.

Petra: Your mama's dumb.

Achilles: Your mama's so dumb, she tried to put Skittles in alphabetical order and she couldn't do it.

Petra: Your mama's so fat, she went whale watching and the whales started singing "We are family, even though you're bigger than me."

Achilles: Your mama's so hairy, she walked into McDonald's and some reporters thought Sasquatch was trying to buy a Big Mac.

Petra: You know what they call a smart blond? A golden retriever.

Achilles: We're trading your mama jokes, not blond jokes.

Petra: Right. Your mama's so crazy, she can actually be around you.

Achilles: Why, you—

Petra: Oh, look. Bathroom's free. Bye. (runs into bathroom)

Achilles: Must. Shove. Petra. Out. Of. The. Plane. (opens door) Wait! Never mind! Oh, umbrella.

Petra: OMGWTHBBQ?

Achilles: Hey, you're supposed to be in the bathroom.

Petra: The plane went all screwy. I was curious.

Achilles: You'll be risking your life to fix my stupid mistake.

Petra: Mmkay. (does so with dramatic flair) Wow, that was exciting. Nothing like a life-or-death experience to make your life interesting. By the way, how did you open the door without the pilot noticing?

Achilles: OSC arranged it for us.

Petra: Oh, you mean that unseen force that governs our lives and actions?

Achilles: Yep. But Alice J. Wiggin wrote our lines in this version.

Petra: I see. Wow, this day keeps getting better and better.


	8. Preschoolers

**So sorry about not updating my stories for so long! Oh, and I'm blocked on Job Searches. Don't expect updates for that one.**

Chapter 8: Greensboro, North Carolina (Hi Kirsty until you move back to SoCal!)

Bean: So, why are we here again?

Sister Carlotta: We're meeting Peter Wiggin. He "lost his keys", remember?

Bean: No, I mean why _here._ This ice cream tastes like umbrella.

Readers: How dare you insult ice cream!

Bean: Yes, I dare.

Peter: Hi. Do you have my keys, old woman I've never met in my life? (cough) Hi, Sister Carlotta. (cough)

Sister Carlotta: I knew I forgot something…Anyway, this is my "grandson".

Peter: Cute kid. (cough) Ugly dwarf. (cough) How old is he? Does he go to school yet?

Bean: Haha. Very umbrellaing funny.

Peter: I hope they don't teach language like that at the preschool.

Bean: Stop messing with me! Where's Petra?

Peter: Hello, we need to speak in code. He could be watching.

Sister Carlotta: God is watching.

Peter: Shut up—I mean yes, old woman I've never met in my life.

Bean: Tell me where Petra is or I will (censored for violence that doesn't belong in a K+ story)

Peter: Don't they teach you to be kind to others in preschool? Gosh, the Greek educational system is worse than I thought.

Bean: (stomps off)

Peter: Was it something I said?

Carlotta: Nah, it was the color of your shirt.

Peter: I knew I should have worn blue…

Carlotta: (facepalms)

LATER

Carlotta: Bean, Peter, you need to apologize to each other.

Peter: Fine. I'm sorry for calling you a preschooler.

Bean: I'm sorry for stomping off angrily.

Carlotta: Now hug.

Peter: Do we have to?

Carlotta: Yep.

Peter and Bean: (man hug)

Random Dude: Aww, how sweet! (takes picture)

Peter: You realize that this will probably surface in a tabloid when I'm Hegemon and cause a momentary embarrassment.

Carlotta/Bean: Yep.

Bean: So Petra's in India?

Peter: Yep.

Bean: And alive?

Peter: Yep.

Bean: And single?

Peter: Uh…

Bean: (le sigh) It figures. Anyway, let's do this rescue mission thingy in…three months?

Peter: You expect to train a group of soldiers, make a plan, get supplies, and rescue Petra in _three months?_

Bean: Uh, yeah. Duh.

Peter: …

Bean: Oh, and if Achilles dies in the process, that would be nice.

Peter: …

Bean: Holy umbrella. You're speechless.

Peter: Good luck with your goal.

Bean: Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted.

**Hey, that actually turned out good! Please review!**


	9. Pastafarians

**The maaaagical chapter 9: India!**

Petra: (is depressed because she is in a place with no friends, angst, angst, angst and stuff) I will now be angsty and whiny despite the fact that I could just make friends but no, that's too hard for me and my EMOness.

(A brunette girl with short hair sneaks up on Petra and pokes her.)

Petra: (whirls around and crushes soda can) OMG!

Breeanna: Hi Petra! It's me, Breeanna DeLao. I'm in charge of explosives here.

Petra: No offense, but what idiot would put my old sort of friend from school who likes fire in charge of explosives?

Bree: Who cares? By the way, I wouldn't use the Pepsi machine. I rigged it.

Petra: Oh, dear Buddha.

Bree: You converted to Buddhism? Cool! I'm a Pastafarian. I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodle-y goodness.

Alice: This is a real cult. They have a website and everything.

Petra: Why does everyone assume I'm Buddhist? I'm Catholic!

Bree: Nobody assumes I'm a Pastafarian.

Petra: (headtables)

Bree: Everyone else did that, too. It's depressing.

Petra: Sorry. I probably shouldn't offend the only other misfit here, despite the fact that I've been known to make stupid decisions, such as provoking a crazy dude with a gun.

Bree: I provoked a crazy dude with a missile launcher.

Petra: Wha- when-

Bree: You would not believe the things people hide in a small town.

LATER

Petra: Hmm, that assignment needs to be done by next week. I'll work on it tomorrow. , here I come! Okay, .

FOUR DAYS LATER

Petra: I should probably start on that assignment. Ooh, an LOL cat! No. Focus, Petra.

THREE DAYS LATER

Petra: Well, I went into LOL withdrawal, but it's done.

Bree: You can have an LOL right now. Rishabh's lucky boxers are mysteriously missing and he's freaking out.

Petra: Ooh, really? Wait up!

LATER

Petra: Nothing can ruin my mood right now!

Sukhtaran: Are you Petra Arkanian?

Petra: Nah, I'm Bree DeLao.

Sukhtaran: Hmm, you don't look half Mexican, half Canadian. (AN: Bree is loosely based on my friend Bailey.) You look Armenian.

Petra: I was joking! I'm Petra.

Sukhtaran: I'm Sukhtaran.

Petra: Can I call you Sookie?

Sukhtaran: No. Achilles sent everyone a copy of your plan.

Petra: Really? What do you think?

Sookie: It's umbrella.

Petra: WHAT?

Sookie: It's completely different from mine. Therefore, it sucks umbrellas. Hey, why's my name Sookie?

Alice: I'm too lazy to type Sukhtaran a zillion times.

Sookie: Dumb blond.

Alice: I must have revenge! You're Chaz now.

Petra: This should be amusing.

Chaz: Heeeeyyyy, it's Chazzzzz.

Petra: Nice one. Now Sookie has a split personality disorder.

Chaz: My name is Chaz, you silly goose.

Bree: Petra, why is Sukhtaran wearing a dog collar and clothes with fashion sense?

Petra: He's Chaz, you silly goose.

Bree: Hey, could I borrow that dog collar?

Chaz: Like, no problem, sweetie.

Rishabh: Bree, give me my underpants.

Bree: Nah. (runs away)

Rishabh: I'll get you and your little dog collar, too! By the way, your plan is destined for failure, Petra.

Petra: Well, your plan can go umbrella itself, because my plan is way better.

Rishabh: Your mother can go umbrella herself.

Petra: Your mother's fat.

Rishabh: So are you.

Petra: (lunges for his throat)

LATER…

Virlomi: Petra looks depressed.

Rishabh: Who cares? She has that crazy chick Bree.

Bree: Does anyone have stuff that could blow a hole in a wall? Like C4?

Sayagi: Sorry, my C4 was confiscated. How about Rishabh's socks?

Bree: I'll take them. What about gasoline?

Sayagi: Why are you asking us for this stuff.

Bree: Some jerkface (cough) Achilles (cough) won't let me talk to Petra, so I'm getting revenge.

Sayagi: Take a gallon from my car.

Bree: Ooh, thanks! Bye! (runs off)

Virlomi: Wow. Breeanna's sort of a –

Rishabh: Pyromaniac freak? Achilles is pretty awesome.

Virlomi: Anyone who can make Petra depressed and silent is evil.

Rishabh: I'd say they're a miracle worker.

Sayagi: I'm staying out of this.

Virlomi: Petra looks really sad, though.

Rishabh: Yeah, poor fifteen-year-old that broke my nose in two places.

Virlomi: Whiner.

Rishabh: And my middle finger!

Virlomi: You showed it to her.

Rishabh: After she broke my nose!

Virlomi: Whatever.

Sayagi: Hey, it's that fellow! Let's say hi to him.

Others: Yeah, let's.

Chaz: There is no fellow, loves.

Rishabh: Well, how do you expect to make Petra less depressed if you can't talk to her?

Virlomi: I'll think of something.

Rishabh: Why are you bothering to help?

Virlomi: I have nothing better to do.

Rishabh: Got bored of rearranging your socks, huh?

Virlomi: Yeah, and reorganizing my underwear is losing its appeal. I guess I'll just have to be a good person. (le sigh)

LATER

Virlomi: I'll try to get Petra's attention. Hey, Petra!

Petra: (ignores Virlomi) Wow, I love this song!

Virlomi: Petra. Petra. Petra. Petra. Petra.

Petra: Don't wanna be an American idiot. Don't want a nation under the new media.

Virlomi: PETRA MARIE ARKANIAN, GET YOUR EMO BUTT OVER HERE!

Petra: That's not my middle name.

Virlomi: Ha! I got you to notice me!

Petra: (lapses into silence)

Virlomi: Umbrella. If you talk to me, I'll give you a peanut butter power bar.

Zeo Llimer (don't ask): AAAHHHHH!

Petra: (hums a cheery tune)

Virlomi: Chocolate covered coffee beans?

Petra: (draws on shoe)

Virlomi: I try to save you, and this is the thanks I get?

Petra: (walks past Virlomi with unnecessary noise) Stop it. He's watching.

Virlomi: The Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Petra: Grr.

Virlomi: Oh! (calls someone) Cancel the fireworks, Sefra.

Bree: Hey, I got an email from some fat dude named Graff. He's asking for info on Petra.

Virlomi: (checks email) So did I! (replies)

Bree: Oh. Achilles sent me an email saying if we help Petra, we die.

Virlomi: I'll just have to escape dramatically. Make a distraction.

Bree: OMG, it's Kim Kardashian!

Virlomi: Thanks. (sneaks out) Okay, I have an idea. I'll convince people I'm a goddess, then find Bean and rescue Petra! Yay!


	10. SKITTLEZZZZ!

**Chapter 10! Double digits! Also the second to last chapter. Enjoy this one; I worked very hard. Also, if you haven't already, check out the improved Chapter 6. I made it way awesomer.**

Alice J. Wiggin: Okay, this part of the book is dramatic and stuff.

Achilles: Alice, there's a problem. The last time we rehearsed this, my stunt double broke four ribs.

Alice: So call in the backup.

Achilles: He got kicked in the head and thinks he's Alex Miller.

Alice: Use Bean's stunt person.

Achilles: I did. He's eating his meals through a tube.

Alice: What about Peter's st-

Achilles: His voice is still two octaves above normal.

Alice: Is anyone left?

Achilles: No. Alex Miller is a nerd with no stunt training.

Alice: Well, I guess you'll just have to do the scene yourself.

Achilles: No.

Alice: This is filming, not rehearsal. You'll never have to do it again.

Achilles: I enjoy having my memory.

Alice: Please?

Achilles: No.

Alice: Pleeeeeease?

Achilles: NO.

Alice: Pleeeeeeeeeease?

Achilles: I SAID NO, UMBRE—Hey, we get paid in Skittles? I'll do it.

Alice: Awesome! Any questions?

Petra: Wait, my stunt double's out too. Do I actually have to kiss Achilles?

Alice: Yep!

Petra/Achilles: NO!

Alice: Blame Orson Scott Card. He wrote this thing.

Petra: I HATE this job.

Achilles: At least I get to shove Petra out of a chair.

Petra: But I get to kick you where it hurts!

Achilles: (long pause) What's the drinking age here?

Alice: 21.

Achilles: Umbrella!

Suriyawong: I have a problem, too.

Alice: Don't we all?

Suriyawong: I die.

Alice: No, Petra and Achilles think you do. But you survive.

Sister Carlotta: Do I die?

Alice: Will I go to hell for telling a nun that she dies?

Sister Carlotta: (sigh) U-m-b-r-e-l-l-a.

Petra: I have another problem with the script. I sound really lame. I don't want to say this umbrella to that thing over there. (points at Achilles)

Alice: I had to hug my friend Chase and say "I love you" once.

Petra: This is worse. We MAKE OUT, for Buddha's sake!

Alice: Don't be sad. Achilles smiles at the end.

Isabelle/Bailey/Zoe: (snicker)

Alice: Real mature, guys.

Petra: I also tell him to shoot me.

Alice: But he doesn't, because if he did, there wouldn't be a sequel.

Petra: I'M NOT THAT EMO!

Alice: Well, someone's got to make out with him.

All the girls: (point at each other)

Izzy: I just showed up randomly.

Helen: He's cute, but no.

Bree: Ew.

Valentine: What am I doing here?

Virlomi: He sort of hates me.

(All start arguing. Alice and Achilles sneak out.)

Achilles: Do I still get my Skittles?


	11. The end for now

**Wow, last chapter already! And it's only been 8 months since I posted the first chapter, or a year and five months since I started writing this in a notebook kept somewhere in my room.**

**Chapter 11**

Bean: Okay, soldier-type people, let's rescue Petra!

Soldier-type People: Yes, SIR!

Bean: We'll be in claustrophobia-inducing helicopters!

Soldier-type People: Yes, SIR!

Bean: We all might get blown up!

STP: Yes, SIR!

Bean: In fact, there's a high chance that you will be killed or maimed or seriously injured.

STP: Yes, SIR!

Bean: Did I mention Suriyawong had beans?

STP: Whoa, sir…

Bean: (turns red) I didn't mean it that way. Shut up.

STP: Yes, SIR!

Bean: The next person to say "Yes, SIR!" will have to sit next to Virlomi on the way there.

STP: (are silent)

Virlomi: Sitting next to me is a PUNISHMENT?

Bean: Well, ever since you convinced those people you're a goddess, you've been kind of arrogant.

Virlomi: (le sigh) I need a latte. MINION! FETCH!

Minion: Vanilla or regular, ma'am?

Bean: I rest my case.

LATER IN A ROOM WHERE PETRA AND OTHER PEOPLE ARE BEING HELD HOSTAGE

Bean: Can you stop with the caps lock? It's giving me a headache.

NO

Petra: Well, this is awkward.

Bree: Awkward silence turtle!

Achilles: I could shoot a few people.

Petra: I doubt that would help.

Achilles: I dunno, it's just my natural reaction.

(More awkward silence)

Petra: Does anyone have a peanut butter power bar? I'm starving.

Zeo Llimer: AAAAHHHH!

(More silence)

Chinese soldiers: (rush in)

Soldier #1: Sir, there are a bunch of Thai people outside.

Achilles: So untie them.

Bree: Man, that was a bad pun.

S #1: They're armed soldiers, sir.

Achilles: So get rid of them.

S#1: I can't, sir. They've taken over the entire compound.

Achilles: So?

S#1: Sir, the building's on fire.

(Everyone looks at Bree.)

Bree: I had nothing to do with this, I swear on my Muse album collection.

Achilles: Let's get out, then.

S#1: Sir, they'll kill you if they see you.

Achilles: Well, tell me what to do, smart umbrella.

Petra: We could just go and pray to Buddha they don't see us.

S#1: That'll work.

Achilles: Meh, it's okay. Indian people and Bree, line up against that wall. Soldiers, prepare the choppers.

Rishabh: You said you'd let us go!

Achilles: I lied.

Petra: Achilles, hurry up! I don't wanna die!

Achilles: (mutters) Too bad.

OUTSIDE…

Suriyawong: Can't Petra hurry up?

Virlomi: Yeah, I have Goddesses Anonymous at four.

(Petra and Achilles run out of the building.)

Bean: Awesome, let's prevent their escape by blowing up a bunch of umbrella.

Umbrella: (is blown up)

Bean: Nowhere to run, crazy boy! What are you gonna do now!

Achilles: (holds gun to Petra's head)

Bean: Umbrellaing umbrella! I'll go down to negotiate.

Suriyawong: If you die, can I have your iPod?

Bean: Thanks for the encouragement.

Petra: Bean! Hi!

Bean: Hola. So, Achilles, can I have Petra?

Achilles: No. If she's not in that helicopter, you're going to blow it into bits so small, they'll have to use a comb to gather them.

Bean: Curse your psychic powers!

Achilles: Haha, loser!

Bean: She's mine!

Achilles: I kidnapped her! She's mine!

Petra: Hello, I'm right here.

Achilles: Shut up, emo girl. She's mine!

Bean: No, she's mine!

S#1: Maybe you could give Petra to the short Greek dude if he promises not to shoot, sir.

Achilles: Nah.

S#1: But, sir—

Achilles: I'm in charge of the mission, and I say no.

S#1: Sir, you're not in charge of the mission.

Achilles: Why, you—

Bree: HIYA! (tackles Achilles) Hey, Chinese dude, you may want to use a Taser now.

S#1: I only have a tranquilizer gun, ma'am.

Bree: Use it! He's about to get me off him!

S#1: Yes, ma'am. (does so)

Achilles: abp qevdif nagfowe (snores)

Petra: Yay! (hugs Bean) I missed you!

Bean: Me, too.

Petra: I love you.

Bean: What?

END PLAY

**There may be a bonus chapter with a musical number. We shall see if the plot bunnies strike. I have a sequel partially written, so watch for that too.**


	12. Special bonus Christmas chapter!

**The holidays are here, and I have a special chapter of Shadow of the Parody! Consider it a late Chanukah/on-time Christmas gift.**

Peter: Bree, where are you taking me?

Bree: It's a surprise.

Peter: Mom and Dad will freak when I miss Christmas dinner.

Bree: Chillax. I told them you'd be home by 7.

Peter: AM or PM?

Bree: Forgot to specify. Oops.

Peter: Bree! Do you have any idea of the sarcasm I'll have to endure?

Bree: Uh, yeah. Duh. (stops in front of Bean's house and waits) BEAN! NIKOLAI! I'M LEAVING IN THIRTY SECONDS!

Bean/Nikolai: (enter car)

Bean: Sorry, _someone_ took a half hour in the bathroom.

Nikolai: I want to look good!

Bree: Is that aftershave?

Nikolai: Yeah. You like it?

Peter: (choking and gagging) The stench! It burns!

Suriyawong: (gets in) Thanks for driving me, Bree.

Bree: No problem. That's why I have a minivan!

Bean: I thought it was because you need the space for explosives.

Bree: No…

Peter: You'll want to take back your thanks in a minute. She drives like she learned in a Third World country.

Bree: Define "Third World".

(Awkward silence. Finally, they pull up to Petra's house.)

Bree: (rings doorbell) Petra! We're here!

Petra: Hey guys! Come in, we have snacks.

Peter: Cool, I'd kill for a peanut butter power bar.

Zoe: AAAHHHH!

Bree: I'll need help bringing the presents in.

Petra: Okay. STEFAN! HELP BREE!

Stefan: Do I need to help her?

Petra: Only if you don't want Mother finding out about that time you—

Stefan: Fine, I'll do it!

Bean: Who else is coming?

Virlomi: (walks in) Hello, non-gods.

Petra: Mother made me invite her.

Achilles: Hey, everyone! I decided to crash.

Bree: Oh, umbrella.

Achilles: Do I know you?

Bree: I worked for you.

Achilles: Didn't you tackle me?

Bree: Nope. Must have been someone else.

Petra: (snarls at Achilles) Get. Out. Of. My. House. NOW!

Achilles: I brought a present for Suriyawong.

Petra: Never mind.

Stefan: (drops presents) What's in these? Rocks?

Bree: Careful, there's delicate stuff in there.

(Everyone looks at Bree cautiously and begins backing away from the presents.)

Bree: It's not explosives, okay?

Virlomi: Wow, that was stressful. MINION! LATTE!

Minion: Decaf or regular, ma'am?

Peter: Lucky! I can't afford minions, just interns. KEVIN! LATTE!

Mrs. Arkanian: Why is there a strange intern using my coffee mak—Achilles!

Achilles: Please don't throw that knife at me. Petra said I could stay.

Mrs. Arkanian: Fine, but you don't get any food.

Bree: I need someone to help me with putting together everyone's present, preferably with some explosive experience.

Achilles: I'll go.

Bree: I'm not entirely sure you should be around—

Achilles: I'll be fine. (leaves with Bree)

Bean: YES! I won't die tonight!

Suriyawong: He wouldn't kill you with all these witnesses.

Bean: True…

Suriyawong: I wonder what Bree's presents for us are.

Petra: I hope it's not a stink bomb like last year.

Peter: I dunno, I liked throwing it at the Moldovan prime minister. He was a buttface.

Virlomi: You really shouldn't have done that.

Peter: It was fun!

Meanwhile, on a hill away from Petra's house

Bree: So, I need help setting up the fireworks.

Achilles: Are you sure you should be trusted with fireworks?

Bree: I've done a few test runs. This is perfectly—umbrella, those jeans were forty bucks.

Achilles: What's the show gonna be like?

Bree: I can't tell you. You might spoil it for the others.

Achilles: Okay. (works in silence for a few minutes) Are you sure you didn't tackle me?

Bree: What did the tackler look like?

Achilles: Kind of like you. Tall, skinny, big brown eyes, short fluffy hair. But her hair was brown, not black with rainbow streaks.

Bree: Then she's not me.

Achilles: Her face was pretty similar to yours.

Bree: Nope. Must have been one of my sisters. Bailey's crazy enough to do it.

MEANWHILE, AT THE HOUSE

Nikolai: Let's sing Christmas songs!

Suriyawong: Let's not.

Petra: Ooh, singing! Deck the halls with boughs of holly!

Others: Fa lalalala lalalala!

Bean: Tis the season to be jolly!

Others: Fa lalalala lalalala!

Nikolai: Don we now our gay apparel!

Others: Fa lalalala lalalala!

Peter: Troll the ancient Yuletide carol!

Others: Fa lalalala lalalala!

Suriyawong: Put on your yarmulke because here comes Chanukah! So much funukah to celebrate Chanukah! Chanukah is the festival of lights. Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights.

Peter: WTU?

Suriyawong: When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you. David Lee Roth lights the menorah. So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah. Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli? Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli!

Bean: Please tell me this is just a hallucination.

Suriyawong: Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too (and so is the author of this story!) Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew.

Virlomi: Nice self-insert.

Suriyawong: You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock", cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish.

Bean: (mind explodes)

Suriyawong: Put on your yarmulke! It's time for Chanukah! The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs celebrates Chanukah!

Petra: Chanukah song in a Christmas special. This is a random story.

Suriyawong: O.J. Simpson, not a Jew. But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted. We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby. Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby. Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is. Well he's not, but guess who is? All three Stooges. So many Jews are in showbiz. Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is.

Virlomi: (cracks up laughing) Suriyawong, your singing is great!

Suriyawong: Tell your friend Veronica, it's time to celebrate Chanukah! I hope I get a harmonica on this lovely, lovely Chanukah! So drink your gin and tonicah, but don't smoke marijuanikah.  
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah!

(A long, awkward silence follows.)

Nikolai and Petra: (standing ovation)

Suriyawong: I thank the awesome Adam Sandler for writing "The Chanukah Song".

Bean: Why'd you sing that? You're not Jewish.

Suriyawong: I hate Christmas songs. They get on my nerves.

Bree and Achilles: (return)

Bree: We're baaaack!

Petra: Good, we can exchange gifts.

Bean: A subscription to the _Quantum Physics Monthly_? Wow, this is the best present ever! Thanks, Nikolai!

Nikolai: Awesome, my straightener keeps breaking down.

Peter: I got _Ruling the World for Dummies_ and _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being Hegemon._ Virlomi, this is one of the best presents ever.

Virlomi: Cool, I got a second minion! Peter, this must have cost a fortune!

Bree: iTunes giftcard! I can use this to buy the Muse B-sides. Petra, you're a great friend.

Suriyawong: _How to Put up with Obnoxious And/or Insane Bosses._ This'll be pretty helpful. Achilles, you're not a bad guy.

Peter: Hey! I'm not obnoxious!

Petra: OMG! This is the best present ever! How'd you get Justin Bieber to sign a leather jacket?

Bree: You may not want to know.

Petra: …

Bree: Okay, I got everyone an extra present. Get in my van.

Peter: Throwing up's not a present.

Bree: Shut it.

(They drive to the hill Bree and Achilles were at before.)

Bree: Okay, everyone except Achilles stay here.

(Bree and Achilles go several meters out, then light some small fireworks.)

Others: Ooh, shiny!

Katy Perry: Baby, you're a firework! Come on, show 'em what you're worth! Make 'em go oh, oh oh as you shoot across the sky-y-y!

Petra: I was wrong. This is the best gift ever.

Suriyawong: Thanks, Bree.

Bree: It was nothing.

All: (group hug)

Bean: Achilles, please remove your hand from my throat.

Achilles: Fine.

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


	13. I'm back, sort of

**Wow, it's been a while. And by a while, I mean it's been over a year since I went near this account. Oops. I haven't had a lot of time, tbh. School and personal problems have been getting in the way. I also took a break on purpose, because I was kind of an immature idiot for a while. I've grown a lot since then, and I think I'm ready to come back here and write a little. I wrote part of a sequel a while ago, and I'll just include it in this story.**

**Also swearwords are now llama, just because.**

Peter: Bean, you know that really difficult mission you worked really hard on planning? The one where we rescue someone from the Chinese?

Bean: Yeah.

Peter: You're not going.

Bean: But I'm the commander!

Peter: Not anymore. Suriyawong is.

Bean: Whatevs. (thinking) WTL? This is MY mission, llama it!

Suriyawong: Are you annoyed, Bean?

Bean: No, Suri, I'm gritting my teeth because it's fun.

Suri: Mmkay, bye.

Petra: Hi, Bean!

Bean: PETER! You just endangered Petra! You are the world's biggest—oh, hi, Petra.

Peter: Actually, she's safer here.

Bean: ARE YOU LLAMAING NUTS?

Peter: No, but the person who Suri's rescuing is.

Bean: Wait a minute… oh. ARE YOU LLAMAING NUTS?

Peter: No. Now get into the plane. I'd rather not see you two making out.

Bean: We're not going to make out. We'll be too busy plotting ways to KILL YOU.

Peter: Of course. Now flee, you hormonal lovebirds. By the way, do you think your future children would be interested in working for—

Petra: NO. Brynleigh, Diva Muffin, Seven Sirius, Dweezil, Katniss, Bronx Mowgli, Banjo, and Justin Bieber, Jr. will never work for you.

Bean: You named your future children?

Petra: Yes. Do you like the name Justin Bieber, Jr.?

Peter: You mean Justina Beaver, right?

Petra: (le gasp) You dare insult JB?

Peter: Yep. Aah! Not the face!

LATER…

Peter: I will never underestimate a crazy fangirl ever again.

Bean: At least she didn't go for the face.

Peter: (shudders) I'll never eat cauliflower again.

Petra: You asked for it, loser. Don't you DARE mess with His Awesomeness.

Peter: You mean Her Girliness. Aaaah! That hurts! Get away from me, you crazy woman!

Bean: And people think Achilles is the insane one.

Petra: Thanks. I try.

Bean: Petra, I think Peter's able to speak normally and maybe even sit up. And he looks mad.

Petra: Bye, Peter! (flies away on awesome ninja skills)

Bean: (flies with her on awesome ninja skills)

Peter: Am I the only one without awesome ninja skills? Wait, don't answer that.

ON THE PLANE…

Bean: So, Petra, we never discussed what you said a couple chapters ago.

Petra: Oh, yeah! I still love you, by the way.

Bean: But Petra, I'm going to die in a few years! Why don't you find someone else?

Petra: Because Orson Scott Card is a meany!

Bean: Well, I kind of maybe like you a little—

Petra: (hugs) That's "I love you" in Bean-speak, right?

Bean: I guess.

Petra: Well, I kind of maybe like you a little too.

Readers: Aww! Cute!

Bean: Shut up. We're still not kissing-I mean not having babies yet. Petra, please put down that cauliflower.


End file.
